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[October 24th, 2009 at 6:26pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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"I'm breaking down I just can't take it anymore. I won't let you go. No matter what it's going to take I'm going to make this move. You're the one that I choose. I just can't go another day without you next to me."
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[October 22nd, 2009 at 10:14pm] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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The sky looks pissed. The wind talks back. The bones are shifting in my skin and you my love are gone. My room seems wrong. The bed won't fit. I can not seem to operate when you my love are gone.
So glide away and so be healed and promise not to promise anymore and if you come around again then i will take the chain from off the door.
I'll never say I'll never love but I don't say a lot of things when you my love are gone.
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[October 19th, 2009 at 1:45am] |
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If I wanted silence, I would whisper.
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[October 16th, 2009 at 2:28am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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Man. You truly have my heart. I am constantly surprised by how much I genuinely feel for you. I think I've reached a point where I can't grow and fonder, and then I do.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
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| Thank you, Owl City |
[October 14th, 2009 at 12:18pm] |
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mood |
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melancholy |
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Peer over the edge, can you see me? Rivulets flow from your eyes, paint runs from your mouth like a waterfall and your lungs crystallize. I'll travel the sub-zero tundra, I'll brave glaciers and frozen lakes and that's just the tip of the iceberg - I'll do whatever it takes to change. Farewell powdery paradise - we'd rather skate on the thinnest ice.
Today is my birthday. Button had run away for a day or so and came back last night just in time for it to be 12:01 and for it to be my birthday. I love that little man. I entered my birthday with Ben, Austin, Garon, Tristan, and Button. Tristan took like 80 shots in honor of my birthday, hah. Tonight is dinner with Benjamin, then probably to New Orleans to spend time with the fam.
I believe we like to define people as either good or evil because nobody wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that us as human beings are capable of anything. I'm not perfect, but neither are you.
Trust and respect are not given, they are earned.
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[October 10th, 2009 at 8:34pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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i'm never not confused anymore.
i realized today, i'm not confused at all. :) just going with the flow.
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[October 5th, 2009 at 12:32pm] |
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tears stop right here
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[September 30th, 2009 at 9:10pm] |
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mood |
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cold |
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Take me with you, I thought.
But I knew if I said it the words would fall between us and just lie there, causing more trouble than they were worth.
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| internal monologue |
[September 21st, 2009 at 1:35pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
] |
it must have been hard staying in line, knowing your influencing me all the time. it must have been strange living in blue, seeing me shut down like it was an easy thing to do. but you could tell where i had been by the way i held my gun. but i was not honest, i was not healthy. i was not honest. you did the right thing, covered your scars, challenged your faith and closed your eyes driving cars. for all that they knew you were safe home, but you went through hell whenever you were left alone. i tried to look positively at things, face myself, but i didn't look. that was not honest, i was not healthy. i am not honest. i wish you could see yourself through my eyes, there's no need to cling to unnecessary lies. the voice in your head, the spirit you stole left you for dead but you left it whole. "you are not honest, you are not healthy."
red water washed away your sins red water washed awayy y yy y y y y y y
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[September 20th, 2009 at 6:14pm] |
i've run out of complicated theories, so now i'm taking back my words and i'm preparing for the breakdown. your t-shirt's lost its smell of you, and the bathrooms still a mess. remind me why we decided this was for the best? please don't blame me for trying to fix this one last time. i'm harving a hard time as it is. don't act like you don't know me. it's still me, i never changed. i'll be here when you come back.
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[September 18th, 2009 at 11:03pm] |
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mood |
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shitty |
] |
 I want to write down everything that's going on in my life, and everything that I feel and think, but I'd rather not remind myself of how pathetic I am. Yes, it HAS gotten that bad. This is an all time low for me, to be honest. And I really just want to hit that point where people start saying, "Well, you can only go up from here!" because to be honest I thought I was there a long time ago, and I'm annoyed that whatever the fuck is in charge of the universe is having a fun-ass time with me. Things are really hard. I know what I have to do.
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[September 16th, 2009 at 10:38am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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What is this game we're playing? Should I stick around for more? Snap your fingers, I'll come running, and leave again when you're bored with me. I'll make it easy. Nevermind me, I'll just cast shadows on your walls. My god, I feel so small. I'll let myself out. This facade that I'm stuck with has got me wondering. Just tell me how you want me - I'll be naked and stumbling just to get a reaction, any sign of love.
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[September 10th, 2009 at 9:42pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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uh huhhhhh mhmmmmmm uh hahhhhh okayyyyyyy alrightttttt suuuuuuure yessssssss i seeeeeeeee
g
t
f
o
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[September 2nd, 2009 at 1:41am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
Wherever you go, I will follow,
Wherever you live is my home.
Though days be of blessing or sorrow,
Though house be of canvas or stone,
Though mountains before us be vast,
Wherever you go, I am with you,
I never will leave you alone.
Whatever you dream, I am with you,
When stars call your name in the night.
Though shadows and mist cloud the future,
Together we bear there a light.
And though you should fall, you will find me,
When no other friend can you claim,
When foes beat you down or betray you
And others desert you in shame.
When homes and dreams aren't enough,
And you run away from my love.
I'll raise you from where you have fallen.
Faithful to you is my name.
Wherever you die, I will be there
To sing you to sleep with a psalm
To soothe you with tales of our journey,
Your fears and your doubts I will calm.
We'll live when journeys are done
Forever in mem'ry as one.
And we will be buried together,
And waken to greet the new dawn.
Wherever you go I will follow,
Behold! The horizon shines clear.
The possible gleams like a city:
Together we've nothing to fear.
So speak with words bold and true
The message my heart speaks to you.
You won't be alone, I have promised.
Wherever you go, I am here.
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[September 1st, 2009 at 10:47pm] |
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yes. you'll know what i mean when you read this. youuuuu'll know!
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[August 30th, 2009 at 3:51pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
17 seconds of compassion 17 seconds of peace 17 seconds to remember love is the energy behind which all is created 17 seconds to remember all that is good 17 seconds to forget all your hurt and pain 17 seconds of faith 17 seconds to trust again 17 seconds of radiance 17 seconds to send a prayer up 17 seconds is all that you need
it goes up and down. i would say: when its down its real low, you know, like looking-forward-to-dying low, but when its up its real up, you know, like look-forward-to-the-future up and it hits hard and i feel it i feel alive
so its like down down down, up up up, down down down, up up up, with some ABABAB where i dont know what to feel where i think im forgetting it and maybe its doneeeee withhhhh but i know its gonna go up or down real soon so i dont worry about it until it doessss.
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[August 23rd, 2009 at 12:10am] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
"my life is nothing without you by my side. ill do anything to have you there until the day i die."
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[August 16th, 2009 at 1:32am] |
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"No one can change what the doer does but the doer. Even the one whom is done unto cannot change them, the one who has endured the most. No matter the strength of those feelings which the one who is done unto harbors, the doer will not change unless he wants to. And let me tell you, my students, my audience, my fans, that the doer will never change, because it is the doing that makes him the doer. He will never change, and nor will the one who is done unto."
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[August 1st, 2009 at 10:10pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
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music |
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fiona apple |
] |
i opened my eyes while you were kissing me once (more than once) and you looked as sincere as a dog - just as sincere as a dog does when it's the food on your lips with which it's in love. i bet you could never tell, but i knew you didn't know me that well. it was my fault, you see, you never learned that much from me. and from the first to the last time the sign said stop - but we went on whole-hearted, it ended bad but i love where we started. i took off my glasses while you were yelling at me once (more than once) so as not to see you see me react - should of put em on again so i could see you see me sincerely yelling back. it is by the grace of me you never learned what i could see.
/end lyrics that sort of relate to my life. thank you, fiona apple. in other news, my zune cord has been missing for like 2 weeks and i can never listen to my music unless im home, which is never. im a nomad; with my closet in my car, sleeping where i can when i can. i got a big fat raise at the cleaners! so im working there a lot more, and when im not working there im at platos, and when im not there im at julias, and when im not there im at mike and alans, and when im not there im at my moms, and when im not there im at chilis with jen, or somewhere with jen. and when im not there im with jessica somewhere. it is when all of those options are unavailable that i am at home. upsetting, really. things surely know how to crumble just at the right time.
im about to tear apart my room in search of that damn cord. because if i hear taylor swift or pitbull one more goddamn time im going to pull all of my hair out.
i realized theres an entire list of people i need to see. i miss a lot of people dearly.
this is the least put-together entry i've ever made. things are just very very different, and i dont really know how to recap. im also very exhausted, and am not thinking straight. i have a tonnnn of errands to run before tomorrow morning, which is amazing because its 10 20, AND i have to shower and actually shave my legs (ugh).
im excited for school. i need to get my shit together for real.
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[June 29th, 2009 at 6:29pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
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GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON. GET OUT OF MY SHIT, ITS MINE FOR A REASON.
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[June 29th, 2009 at 1:34am] |
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mood |
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accomplished |
] |
its like forgetting the words to your favorite song. you can't believe it, you were always singing along. it was so easy, and the words were so sweet. you cant remember, so you try to feel the beat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. eat. you spend half of your life trying to fall behind, youre using your headphones to drone out your mind. it was so easy, and the words were so sweet. but you cant remember and you try to move your feet. eet. eet. eet. eet. eet. eet. eet. eet. someone's deciding whether or not to steal. he opens a window just to feel the chill. he hears that outside a small boy just started to cry, cause its his turn but his brother wont let him try.
its like forgetting the words to your favorite song. you can't believe it, you were always singing along. it was so easy, and the words were so sweet. but you cant remember, you try to move your feet. it was so easy.
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[May 24th, 2009 at 12:42am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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For some sick reason Plato's decided to put me on the schedule for 6 days in a row. This includes opening, closing, and even working open to close. It seems as if they are trying to trick me into becoming a manager: suddenly I am the one going through buys (only "keyholders" do this) and determining the inventory of the company, and for two nights in a row they have asked me to help count down the registers. I find myself excited and utterly terrified at the same time. I feel like I'm being sucked into a black hole. I think declining the "offer" (which it isn't, really, considering they haven't "offered" me anything, rather just forced it onto me) would probably be interpreted the wrong way. I like the idea of having more responsibilities, but at the same time, the responsibilities at Plato's are way different than the responsibilities at Prestige. I don't know, I'm just stuck. That seems to be something I say a lot these days.
Sometimes when I'm sitting alone in my room and Button walks in and gives me that little "ohhhh i just woke upppp im so tirrrrrred, mom" look, I wonder how on earth it will be possible for me to love my children more than I love him. I am actually fairly certain that I won't, and when I do have children (assuming Button is still live) I will have to silently suffer because in my heart I know that if my house caught on fire my first thought would be "WHERES BUTTON!?" He's just so cute. And in case you were wondering: yes. I am surrounded by people who are constantly reminding me of how stupid I sound when I talk to him, and how lame I am for loving him so much. And it doesn't bother me one darn bit. I'm in love with that little sucker. He's just too frappin' cute.
I mean, look! He's caressing my face out of love. Okay, maybe he is just putting his paws there because he was irritated with all the kisses I was trying to give him. And maybe his claws are out, and maybe shortly after taking this picture he tried to bite my face. But, you wouldn't know that if I hadn't said so! Judging by this picture he loves me and I love him. I'll take it.
I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately, and in the morning I'm super tired, but for some reason I've been having trouble going to sleep, even after a long hot day at air-condition-less work. I came in here about an hour ago after dozing off during Clerks II, but now I cannot sleep. Oh well.
Certain things.
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| Here's My Fiddle... |
[May 21st, 2009 at 12:16am] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
] |
Last night as I was driving back from Taco Bell (ironic) I looked down for a second to change the song on my Zune when Ben screams "Look out!" I looked up to see a opossum crossing the road, not 15 feet in front of me. I swerved right to avoid him(her) and as I swerved right, so did he (she). I then swerved left (at this point, the opossum is probably about 5 feet away) at which point, so did he(she). I then felt a bump under my tire, and the worst thing imaginably happened. I had my window rolled down, and on top of hearing the bump, the little guy(girl) made the saddest noise of all time. I immediately threw my hands onto my face and cried like a baby. Ben grabbed the wheel and said "Wait! Wait! You have to keep driving! Baby! Steer!" But I was crying to hard to see. I've never in my life run over an animal. This is a bad week for me and my relationship with other living things. 2 down, millions and millions of little animals to go. But at this rate, I should clear the planet in no time. I find this ironic mostly because I'm sure Taco Bell found great use out of the roadkill I so kindly left them near their Essen location. I will most likely unknowingly consume the meat of this little guy (girl) in the next week or so.
Today, I drove down Essen (against my own will) and had to face the mess I made (literally and figuratively). Turns out, the little guy (girl) was only a baby. A teeny, tiny, cute, opossum-y, baby. And I smushed him with my 2-ton death trap. I'm never driving again.
In other news, Nicholas Cage and Sarah Jessica Parker should make babies strictly for my entertainment. Those would be the strangest looking babies of all time.
Big fat self-reconstruction under way. Not in a "I'm unsatisfied with my life and need to change it" kind of way. But in a "Aw, look at all of these things I want to do! I'm going to actually start doing them! Yay!" kind of way. I'm a redhead again, and I love it. I feel like myself again.
Expect more updates. I would like to actually treat Livejournal like a blog again, and not just something I use to read my friend's journal.
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[May 18th, 2009 at 10:52pm] |
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mood |
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 groggy |
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bad day bad bad day. but at the same time good day. today marks ben and my's 3 years of dating. it's just a shame i spent all day crying my stinking eyes out. the ratio of volume of tears per sq. in. of bird isn't equal at all. i feel like it's my fault he died. i even brought him to the vet, and was told he should do just fine after the antibiotics they gave him. i came home to find him. he was so peaceful looking. he was alone in there. it was dark, the lights were off. no one was home to hear him, if he was even crying. i'm so sorry. that's all i could say. i'm so so sorry.
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[May 3rd, 2009 at 1:23am] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
yes, i DO expect you to be happy to see me after i come home after being gone all day, even after three years.
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